![]() This Limited Edition Coin Angers Democrats in, Get Yours Today - Proud Patriots The coin’s appearance would make a velvet Elvis blush: it’s a coin that looks like a tiny commemorative plate. ![]() The ugliest advertised to me so far is a commemorative coin. Melania is a beautiful woman, but her face graces some ugly tchotchkes. Even of Melania Trump, if you’re so inclined. Secular prayer candles are already A Thing. For one thing, mixing New-Age woo with either Christianity or secular humanism seems increasingly common in a world of postmodern bespoke religion. Nor do carven pink quartz “crystals” monogrammed RBG, though the consumer’s choice of tchotchkes commemorating Ruth Bader Ginsburg is astoundingly varied. As far as I know, neither of these products exists - yet. No LastSwab would be my last one, which rather defeats the point.īut where was I? Given the incongruous ads I already get, it’s only a matter of time before I see side-by-side ads for both “The Oatmeal Anointing: Empowering your God-given Femininity through Biblically-Blessed Soluble Fiber” and a “Getcher rosaries off muh ovaries!” Margaret Sanger prayer candle. Maybe the kids would hide it, like they do other small objects which aren’t technically disposable but become so once you have kids. I know what would happen if I used LastSwab at home: I would lose it. LastSwab seems handy in a travel dopp, but at home? Even with a family of five now, a pack of 375 swabs lasts us several years. The LastSwab “helps combat the billions of single-use cotton swabs that are produced every day.” I have never, personally, needed to combat any kind of cotton swab, but according to LastSwab, I’m not the average person, who “goes through hundreds of cotton swabs each year.” I suspect the average person isn’t LastSwab’s “average person”, either, in that mean swab usage likely dwarfs modal and median swab usage. I keep getting ads for the LastSwab, which tries to pretend it’s not about earwax, but kindareally is. If I saw an ad for a lapel pin featuring the smexxxiest anthropomorphized doped garnet laser - adorned with real synthetic garnet chips reading “She blinded me with science!” - well, I’d chuckle. Rapid-fire lapel pin advertising directed my way, whether from right or left, never hits its target, since even if I saw a pin I liked, I wouldn’t buy it. Little lapel pins featuring lab flasks bubbling vacuities like “Science is real!” or light-splitting prisms spelling out “I’m gay for science!” in rainbow writing. Therefore I must “want”, in no particular order, Osteen Cubes, Anointings, conversational Medieval Latin kits, “homeopathic” essential-oil blends consecrated to Jesus or my choice of goddess. ![]() Maybe I am who I am to online marketers because I don’t click through. The more time we spend online without clicking through on ads, the more “bottom feeder” ads we see. ![]() People who say they know about these things say that Covid’s virtual earwax buildup is a symptom of declining click-throughs on online ads. But at least I’m not alone in that: judging by consumer ad complaints, the main symptom of Covid-19 is massive earwax buildup. According to my ads, I’m a Trump-voting, militantly pro-life charismatic sedevacantist Catholic wiccan secular humanist who’s also militantly pro-choice and pining for the deceased Ruth Bader Ginsberg. ![]() (Already got a tactical pen? Have you tried our tactical toothbrush yet? Got the toothbrush already, have you? What about a tactical toothpick?) Perhaps because my browsing habits are eclectic, the ads “targeting” me are eclectic, too. Damn, I should have been streaming this.Ĭongratulations! You’ve unlocked the achievement for observing a high score of over a half billion! That’s 10 reader points! Further achievements can be claimed by clicking on other Hard Drive articles and sharing them with your friends and immediate family.Like many Americans right of center, the ads I see online feature plenty of vaguely patriotic products. 509 million!? Folks, we’ve been a website for five years and this is the wildest shit I’ve seen by far. Yooooo!!!!! A hundred million ? Are you frickin’ kidding me?! Seriously, somebody tell somebody. This has got to be some kind of a record. Yes!!! A Million! I still feel pretty good, too! OK let’s keep going.ġ4 fucking million? This is beyond what I even thought was possible here today. I’m sure you sick fucks are just loving this, huh? What? It just fucking doubled!! Oh man, we’re gonna fucking hit the fucking million! I feel like my whole body just got a boner. This is so much better than reading about some stupid DLC you’ll never buy, isn’t it? We still have a ways to go, but keep thinking good thoughts. I wrote an article similar to this a few years back, but I’m starting to think we might even break that one’s high score (Which was 1,000,000,000). Whoaaaaa shit, those numbers are looking pretty good. ![]()
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